I've been meaning to sit down and record this experience, but life has pushed it's way in between.

Two weeks ago i took Gracie in to get her blood drawn; a regular occurrence for her. (It's important for her T4 and TSH levels to be checked on a weekly/monthly basis as a result of a non-functioning thyroid.) When i arrived at Quest Diagnostic the wait was approx. two hours. Immediately i knew i was about to pay the consequences for not being better prepared by making an appointment beforehand. The moment we sat down she started screaming. Thrashing in my arms, kicking and punching, and repeating the word "GO!" over and over again. She knew why we were there and terror had completely replaced reason.  I held her for 45 minutes while she got louder and louder and more hysterically out of control. I couldn't take her into the hallway because if our name was called we'd lose our place. So, i chose the only option i had. I stayed very calm, wiped away every tear, and just kept whispering in her ear, 'im so sorry'.

The room was packed full of people, most likely feeling the same way Gracie was, and wanting nothing more than to GO. The woman sitting in front of me was on the phone. Suddenly she stood up and loudly said, "I'm sorry, this gosh forsaken child won't shut up!" then turned to me and asked, "Would you control that child please?!!"

I was stunned. My body shook. Gracie's kicks seemed harder and her punches seemed intensified. The beating of my own heart was the only sound i could hear. Tears immediately filled my eyes and as i opened my mouth to speak, nothing came. My ability to respond had been compromised. Comforting my child was the only form of action i felt capable of in that moment. I could hear this woman screaming at me, but making out her words felt impossible. Then i realized a woman in the front row had stood up. And a man to the side was standing. Then another.... and another. All expressing their disgust for this woman's actions. Then a sweet elderly man stood and said, "Look at this little babe. The only word she has spoken since they walked in has been, GO. She doesn't want to be here either, and she's too young to express it any differently. You woman, are not. Leave this sweet girl and her babe alone."  He proceeded to walk over and sit cross-legged on the floor in front of me. He had an old cell phone and he flipped it open to show Gracie a picture of a dog. Gracie knocked it out of his hands and continued to thrash. He smiled, and began humming a song to her.

Then i looked up. Everyone was on their feet. Not one person was sitting in their seat. Everyone had come together in asking this woman, who was having difficulty finding any kind of understanding in her heart, to exit the building. The staff also came out and asked her to leave. Then, the woman sitting in the front row (the first person who had stood) came and sat next to me. She wrapped her arms around me quietly. Not 60 seconds later Gracie went into a tonic-clonic (grand mal) seizure. I had to lay her down because it wasn't possible to hold her anymore. The sweet man stayed next to her, not in any way effected by the terrifying scene in front of him. The kind woman next to me held me tight while i cried. The tears wouldn't stop. and neither would Gracie's seizure. It went on for over five minutes. A nurse called 911 and the paramedics arrived shortly after.

The seizure finally came to an end. She was breathing and she had inhaled minimal vomit. I held my baby in my arms, completely dead weight. She had no strength, even to open her eyes. I felt so hopeless and unable to make everything better for my little girl.

They took her back immediately to get her blood drawn so that we could leave. (which i was so grateful for) The woman came with me. Arms still around my shoulders. She never let go. They had to poke Gracie four different times to get a successful vein, and my heart just kept breaking for her. ...over and over.

When it was all over we walked out through the waiting room to leave, and again the whole room stood. Blowing kisses and saying goodbye to my sweet Gracie Lyn. I was so touched. So overwhelmed with the kindness and love i felt from this room full of strangers. I sat in my car for almost an hour holding my weak little girl, singing to her while my tears soaked her beautiful blonde curls.

This experience will stay with me forever. I learned so much from the love shared in that lab. My good friend Emily gave me a frame that says, "No kindess, no matter how small, is ever wasted."  and i am walking proof that this statement rings true. Not one smile or kind gesture was wasted that day at Quest Diagnostic. You would think looking back, this would have been such a bad day, however it was quite the contrary. I learned lessons i never could have learned any other way. There's something to be said about what happens to a person when their heart becomes completely obliterated. When those pieces come back together, they can form a more beautiful and even stronger heart than before. The most breathtaking sunsets come after the most damaging storms, and those sunsets are the ones that imprint not only on your heart, but also in your mind forever.

I find a bit of irony that this experience occured at Quest. and maybe i find far too much meaning in things, but it reminded me that we are all on our very own personal quest... and that's what this life is! Each one of us experience pain to different degrees, and if we can all just be a little more understanding and a little more kind, then each of our quests will be so much richer, and all the more worthwhile. "No kindess, no matter how small, is ever wasted" has been branded on to my heart, and i hope that the everyday grind will never have a fading effect on that.

There's a song i listened to on repeat while sitting in the car with Gracie after that particular storm. I'd like to share it, in hopes that it can provide you a glimpse of the peace that was brought to me that day.

"Lord, I´m in the dark. Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling, no one there, the sky is falling. Lord, I need to know. My mind is playing games again. You´re right where you have always been. Take me back to you, the place that I once knew, as a little child; constantly the eyes of God watched over me. Oh, I want to be in the place that I once knew. As a little child, fall into the bed of faith prepared for me. I will rest in you, I will rest in you, I will rest in you.
Tell me I´m a fool. Tell me that you love me for the fool I am, and comfort me, like only you can. Tell me there´s a place where I can feel your breath, like sweet caresses on my face again. Take me back to you, the place that I once knew as a little child, constantly the eyes of
God watched over me. Oh, I want to be in the place that I once knew as a little child, fall into the bed of faith prepared for me. I will rest in you, I will rest in you, I will rest in you."
-Mindy Gledhill

This morning I got an email notifying me that the company i buy my blog domain through created an iPhone app. I would darn near say, today is the happiest day of my life.

and clearly she shares in my excitement.

I think we all have a story that perfectly conveys the phrase "people suck". Either thought it, felt it, screamed it at the top of our lungs, or spelled it out silently through our tears. Relationships are tricky. a broken heart is messy. and making a wrong become right again can seem painfully impossible.

In this story, i'm not the victim. No, in this story... im the villain- the reason there is a phrase like people suck.

I recently lost a dear friend. She was special. Special in a way i've rarely ever seen in any other human being. She was real. Genuine. Honest. Strong. and not a judgmental person. She sincerely got what life's really about. There was no false pretenses or expectations with her- just what felt like pure sunlight, all the time.

Then one day I betrayed her. I told her a lie. A complete fabrication about another woman who was nothing but innocent, and who she cared about. The question you're probably asking is, why. Why would i lie about someone who was guileless? or lie to someone who i cared about so deeply? I've asked myself these questions every single day, and not one answer has come to my mind worth dignifying. I've prided myself in being an honest person, and for being real. But in this situation, i was so far from either of those things.

I was selfish. and only thinking about myself. Those are the only reasons i've found that hold any kind of validity. Ever since i lost these two woman, there has been a gaping hole in my heart. I've tried to replace it with countless things.... but absolutely nothing even begins to numb the pain. The realization of how much hurt i've caused them eats at me constantly. I would do anything to take it back. Anything.

I haven't written in a while because i haven't known what to say. My heart has been flooding with guilt and pain, and incapable of holding much else.  Today i realized that this is a place where i share a lot about my little journey through life, and in order for me to gain the ability to write about anything else, i first need to publicly apologize for being that person who brought insurmountable pain upon two of the kindest people i know. This whole experience has brought me an entirely knew perspective. Sometimes i have a tendency to be hard on people. Take offense when it's not necessarily meant to be hurtful- or even taking offense when it was meant to be hurtful. Regardless, i've learned that people screw up. Sometimes more so than others, but the sorrow is the same. I've gained a whole new outlook on the lives of the guilty. I've experienced such a struggle even entertaining the thought of forgiving myself. But over the last few days i have been so humbled. I have felt the Savior's love begging my soul to let Him in. Just to feel even a moment of comfort. It was surreal. There was something so incredibly powerful about allowing myself to feel relief- the reality that i needed to take that step, and when i did, for that small moment, it was life changing. I felt things and understood them in a way i never had before.

If i continue to dwell on the horrible mistake i made, it will only stunt my ability to move forward and become a better person. This experience has brought sorrow to so many people on all different levels, and those feelings will be in vain if i don't learn from my misdoing. Some days i find myself grasping for the strength to even look in the mirror, however not a day goes by that i don't make the effort to forgive myself a little more, and hope with all my heart that my friends are happy and free of pain.

I hope someday i am able to provide the forgiveness and unconditional love to a sinner who feels nothing but undeserving.
Because i have walked thousands of miles in his shoes.  

hopeless romantic is not my role. however, my better half defines the term. and i am head over heels for the man.

i think Valentines Day has got to be one of the most ridiculous holidays.  the fact it's an actual "holiday" kind of nauseates me. but i have to say, over time i've become, not so heartless. (for lack of a better word)  While i could spend pages expressing my disdain for the 14th of February, i'd like to instead do the complete opposite. I'd like to take five minutes and express my love for this man.  

The road that brought me and this sexy beast together was a complicated one. it was a painful one. and it was a confusing one. But it was ours. and no one, not even the retched fat baby with an arrow, can make me forget that, even for a moment. We had 28,452 reasons not to get married. but we had ONE little thing called love that refused to let us go. I remember the first time i ever laid eyes on Seth. I didn't feel butterflies or get stupid giddy like i did with every other guy with two legs, i instead felt calm. He made me smile, a deep inside of my soul, smile. His energy for life refreshed my mind constantly, and nothing ever felt heavy or cloudy in his presence. We've been able to talk about anything and everything since day one, and no other man in this world has ever been able to hold or decode my heart, like he has.

He's special. A very real, visually able to see and feel kind of special. His genuine heart permeates through his eyes. Our girls have those same eyes. When i look at them i see him. and i truly believe that's why i love them so dang much. Our journey hasn't been easy. it's been a storybook fairytale. Complete with demons, towers with locked away hearts, battlefields, and slaying of dragons... but like every good fairytale, all those things make for an even sweeter happily ever after.

This Valentines i had what some might call an epiphany. Time sort of stood still. I was sitting on the couch and i looked over and saw Gracie in my mom's arms, sharing her sucker all over her sweatshirt... both of them just laughing. my Dad was helping Nicci with a heart puzzle and Seth was looking at our girls, adoring them, taking in every sound, image, smell.  It was all so... perfect. He looked over at me and mouthed the words "i love you", with a wink. In that moment i don't know that i've ever felt my heart expand in the way it did. It was, in a very literal way, breathtaking.

Yes, life is hard. Damn near impossible some days. but im finding that love really is that double rainbow after all the thunder and lightning. and even though i may boycott the one day of the year dedicated to that four letter word, i actually very much enjoyed it this year.

and one last thing i'd like to say to my husband.
Darling, i have loved you for a thousand years, and ill love you for a thousand more.
xoxo

this post is dedicated to every single individual i care about. and more importantly, those that care about me.

when the world is quiet and the ticking of the clock is deafening, do you ever feel trapped? like everything around you, every touch, smell, noise... is all just a dream? can you see where you want to be, except there's something in your way? you're pushing so hard and climbing with every ounce of energy you can muster up, and yet... after all that, you haven't moved at all.

if not- you are one lucky individual. and i am jealous.
if yes- you know that it's exhausting and down right debilitating.  and. it's my life right now.

Lately, i've been a horrible friend and family member. i haven't returned phone calls like i should, i've deleted texts without responding, and watched my inbox fill up, just to close it and forget it exists completely.

I am genuinely sorry. however, i don't see this changing any time soon. sometimes i just have nothing to say. nothing more to give at the end of the day.
going through hard things as of late has made me realize three very important things.
1) i love my husband and my parents more than i ever thought i could.
2) true friends are few. but they exist.
3) what doesn't literally kill you, makes you stronger.

im convinced by the end of this hellish state 'friends' will be something of the past. and i ask as you read this, that you will be patient with me. ... but i understand if that's not possible.

pretending. we all do it. in one form or another.
lately that's all i feel im capable of doing. i've received messages in numerous forms asking things ranging from, "did i do something to upset you?" "are you ok?"  to "why arent we friends anymore?" "where have you been?"

let me answer all these questions and more with five words. it's not you. its me. Disgustingly cliche right? but its true. i cant explain it nor do i want to try to open that can of worms to the world, but i feel that i owe you beautiful people some kind of explanation as to why i've neglected not only my blog, but you as well.  and all i can say is, life can throw some hard balls and sometimes they hit you square in the face knocking all sense and reality to hell. and sometimes silence and pretending is the only coping mechanism the body knows.

do you ever find it difficult to look back at the person in the mirror? do you feel it impossible to recognize that reflection some days? does your bed seem like the only place you can make sense of the world? does sunlight pierce your soul and make you crave the ability to fight through that shell holding you back from living? do showers make you cry? when people laugh do you envy them with a pinch of confusion? are you trapped by the absence of caring about the things you once cherished? has someone pushed the mute button on your life? is sleeping your way of escaping into a life where you can walk among the living?

i hope you are shaking your head perplexed by this craziness. however, if you're finding yourself paralyzed with complete understanding, please know, you're not alone. i mean it when i say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. because every breath i take is a complete mystery... and yet such an undeserving gift from God. someone i love very much recently told me, "some days all you can do is breathe. and be proud of that."  and today i am.

i have so much love i want to give. so much happiness i want to share. but right now, forgive me if i seem robbed of the ability to do so. someday i'll wake up and be me again. an incredibly better me. but until then....    i beg for your patience.

sincerely.